eighteen with a bullet

Jolly good.

Damn, it's been a while. I don't even bother with this journal anymore. I'm too busy writing letters and working and watching the young whippersnappers moving in our new TV. I just love watching men do heavy lifting, particularily when they do it effortlessly. When I do any lifting at all, I'm huffing and puffing. Anyway, I guess it's the cavegirl in me appreciating a strong, oafish man who smells and is hairy. What can I say? Metrosexuals just really aren't my thing.

I've been eating a bowl of oatmeal every day, and I really just don't think my bowels are at all used to this kind of roughage. To be totally honest, I think they're starting to get freaked out that I might be starting to eat... healthy or something.

In other news, I'm counting the days till college. 52 to be exact. And yet, so much to buy and no car to buy it with.

Six Flags tomorrow, bitches.

I had the worse case of insomnia ever last night. LoL, I apologize to Triscuit for blabbing for like a solid HOUR and a HALF about NOTHING. Not to mention, I woke up super early this morning (6:53 to be exact). WEIRD. Usually I just love my sleep. Not as much as I love my Baby Bear though!!!

They're done installing. The new tv is pretty sweet.

In no particular order.



Kevin Spacey. I don't care if he's old enough to be my dad, either.


Penelope Cruz. She's adorable and brown. Much like myself.


Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't care if he was bitch-boy in Brokeback Mountain.


Shannyn Sossamon. Oh, how I love that hair.


Monica Belluci. Aka the French Matrix chick.


Natalie Portman.


Rachel Bilson. God Bless the OC.


Ryan Phillippe.


Ethan Hawke. He's a terrible writer, but he sure is a looker.


Ewan McGregor. I'd fuck the shit out of his light saber.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Courtney+Cakes.

Overdose. That's the word that's been hanging over my head all day. I was standing at the top of the stairs in a towel when my mother told me, "Matthew died."

When someone you know dies, their life flashes before your eyes. And then you picture the end. His mother found him in his room in the basement, needle and tourniquet included. He was so handsome. And so fucking young.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

It pisses me off when people say that drug users are all bums without life plans and whatever else of a bad reputation they receive. Matthew was none of those things. He went to college and worked a job at night and moved back into his mother's house to help her out. It breaks my heart when I start wondering whether or not she thinks it's her fault.

My mom talked to his brother and his brother said, "Well, at least he was happy."

That fucker doesn't know what he's talking about. HE'S NOT HAPPY. HE'S DEAD, YOU CUNT.

I've started writing and deleted this entry some 6 odd times. Don't know what that's all about.

Anywho, so I don't like it when people steal. It's a huge turn-off. Today Chris stole for "old time's sake". And just like that, I'm not interested anymore. Isn't it funny? You can be interested in someone and then they say just one teeny thing you don't like, and it's like nothing ever happened.

I'm really sad (though not about Chris), and I miss talking to Will. I'd call him, but I don't really call anyone these days. I wish I knew why I'm so fucking sad. Especially at nighttime. In the daytime, eh, not so much -- not at all, actually. But at nighttime, I'm sad like my grandma died. It also happens at specific moments throughout my day, like when I walk out the door into the garage or when I stand staring at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes.


















She told him he was the best kisser in the whole wide world. I bet he was in that one moment because you always kiss the one you love the most with everything you've got.















I will love you until we are ghosts.

I rarely write in this journal. I feel guilty for doing that, so I'm going to write down parts from my written journal that I felt like sharing and you can read it if you're in the mood.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1/18.
Today I explained why people substance abuse to Sarah. I told her that it was just like having a boyfriend - you accept a whole new set of complications and overlook the things you dislike about him because the things you do like about him seem to outweigh the bad things. This may or may not be the case, but you'll never really know until you look at it in retrospect.

1/19.
When I'm really sad and I've been crying,  I go to a mirror and make a silly face or smile as hard as I can so that I won't cry anymore.

It never works.

1/22. About Aunt Mae Lena (my dad's 87 year old aunt)
The entire point of being an old person is so that you can tell all the stories you want and everyone will hang on your every word because, well, you're old. Everything you say is made precious because it may very well be your last...

...I think the most interesting thing she discussed was how much things have changed when she compares her life to the events of the present day. My mom told her a story about recently, there was a man who snapped one day and killed his wife and children. "He killed them?" Aunt Mae Lena said in reply, her voice forming a question mark. And then she said something sopoignant, so matter-of-fact that I couldn't help but write it down: "Well, he was afraid for them to live."

It makes me think of Sarah and how she couldn't understand all the people around her, constantly prattling on about their substance abuse and the latest party where everyone sat around getting drunk and trying to feelcomplete. I told her it was because people kind of like it, but maybe we're all just afraid to live.

1/23. 3:47 AM.
I'm trying very hard not to cry right now because I've been reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower. Though the book is excruciatingly juvenile and pathetically easy because it was published by MTV, it still makes me emotional. Maybe it's the simplicity that really gets to me. Anyway, the only reason I'm awake right now is because I can't sleep to save my life. On one hand, I hate nights like these because when I get tired, I usually get really depressed too. On the other hand, nights like these are great because I always get a lot of reading done.

For those of you who've read the book, I just read the part where we find out Charlie's Aunt Helen died on his birthday. It makes me think about my grandma and how her husband died on her birthday. I noticed it when Dad and I went to the cemetary once, and he said, "So that's why she always got so sad on her birthday."

My dad doesn't cry. Or at least, I've never seen him cry. Actually, maybe he doesn't cry and I cry enough for the both of us. Anyway, though I've never seen him cry, I have seen him get teary-eyed, and he only ever gets teary-eyed when he talks about his mom. Whenever we talk about her, he never really looks at Mom or me. He just stares at his plate or at the T.V. and talks, and you can tell that he isn't really seeing hisdinner or the evening news.

Most of the time, I look at my dad and see this tough guy, but it's moments like these that humanize him and remind me that I love him very much.

So I went to St. Louis this weekend. There's lots of black people, fat people, old people, and ugly people there. I saw quite a few people that were all of the above. I told my friend that if he ever got the opportunity to visit there, he should take a pass. He said that the arch thing was pretty cool (I didn't get to see it), and I said it didn't outweigh anybody. Haha, get it? Outweigh anybody?!?!?! Ahahahahaha.

That's really all I did. How boring.

( I'm going to tell you a story. )

It feels like fall outside and it makes me want to fall in love.

The clouds are clinging to the last bit of sun like a blanket just before it falls off. In the sky, a little to the left, there's a poof of cloud stemming down from the rest. It makes the clouds look like an upside-down castle. Maybe if I run as fast as I can into the sunset, I can jump into the poof. I'll live in the upside-down castle in the sky and never have to worry about lying or heartbreak or time or being a grown-up ever again.

Or maybe i'll just lay here on my pillow and pretend I'm Sleeping Beauty. I'll sleep my life away and when I wake up, I'll start over.

I like the innocence, however false it may be.

( New haircut! )

Anyway. So yeah, Myspace depresses me. I keep running across profiles of people I don't care for (or more likely, profiles of people who don't care for me) and it makes me sad.

LoL, I just realized that I made fun of Sarah unintentionally. I was ranting about how "I don't care about what you ate today or how many units of exercise you did!!!" And then, after looking on my friends page a bit, that Sarah was the one who did that all the time. I'm sorry Sarah, I love you! I feel like an asshole. Oh wait, that's right, it's because I AM! :-\

Brokeback Mountain is finally at Showplace 16. If anyone wants to see it tonight, give me a ringy-dingy, though I know no one will. I <3 you all anyway.

Listening to Jamie Foxx makes me want to fuuuucccckkkkk. Speaking of which, there's this girl from East who's got a mad jones for me. I find her to be kind of boring, but she's cute.

And that's really all I have to say tonight.

Angelina Jolie has gone from making out with her brother on the red carpet to a happy humanitarian. Her past-times include collecting knives, mortuary science, and adopting babies from third world countries. Angelina Jolie is living proof that you can look good and have a heart of gold.

And would you look at that baby?! I hate babies! I think they're annoying as hell, but it's so... cute! -melts away-

Maureen and I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe tonight. I loved it. I really adore movies full of magic and wonder and imagination and beauty. For just $8, you can believe that anything and everything can happen, even if it's only for a couple of hours.

When Danielle and I were kids, we would watch cartoons and fight over which character from the movie we got to be. We'd sing the songs from movies like Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast and have a jolly ol' time. It makes me happy to think about it. It's funny to think about us growing up together. Haha, when I was 9, she was the first person in the whole wide world to tell me that my underarms were stinky and I needed to start wearing deodorant. Later, when she started growing boobs, I laughed and asked her what the fuck she was doing wearing like 3 bras and a tank top to make them look bigger. There's a 3 year age gap between us, but honestly, I've never really noticed it. She's like my sister and I love her very much. :)


-happy-

This is some effing bullshit. I wanted to go visit some friends today, and while I'm in the shower prettying myself, she decides that my dad and I have bad attitudes and that a)I'm not allowed to go anywhere and b)neither is anyone else. She then got drunk, fought with my dad, shouted so loud I thought her lungs would pop, and eventually passed out. Fucking alcoholic gambling-addicted cunt.

It's irritating being this angsty. You run out of things to say because who wants to listen to some emo middle-class "my life is a tragedy" bullshit?

The new year starts in a few days. I'm excited for it. It makes me think of this quote from Forrest Gump where the hooker in the bar says, "Don't you just love the new year?... Everyone gets a second chance." Or something like that.

I'm so bored I think I'll go take a nap.

This new sweater makes me feel sexy.

FUCK! I'm angry. Mike J told me that he's never sad because any sadness he feels is turned into anger. When I'm angry, all I can think about it how damned angry I am, and the more I think about it, the madder I get. What's worse is that when I'm angry, I have really evil and morbid thoughts that wouldn't cross my mind otherwise. For example, my mom said, "Your dog better shut up or I'm going to kill it," and I immediately thought, "ALLOW ME!" and envisioned myself drowning Jenny in the bathtub. Typing that out has magically taken away all of my anger because I really, REALLY love my dog. And if being angry doesn't make me violent and malicious, it makes me SAD AS HELL. When I'm angry, I feel like I can't be proven wrong and whatever I say must be true solely because I said it. Being angry makes me someone that I'm not, and I hate it.

I've been dipping out on ____ a lot lately. It's partly because I'm so unavailiable, and partly because my parents are gigantic assholes who never let me do ANYTHING, and partly because of the 10 pounds I've gained since he last saw me. It's also because I care about him far more than I should. He's never going to love me and I know that. And I'm always going to be second best, and that drives me fucking crazy. If you'd heard the way he talked about her, you'd know I was right.

Fuck man, I hate being angry. Especially when I'm only pissed at myself.

I'm excited for the new year.

I'm back at LJ because my resolutions for the new year all involve beautifying myself because I'm a vain cunt.

"Their beauty is their confession."
-St. Augustine

And there you have it.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.

My car goes up for sale on Ebay on Wednesday.

I'd love you forever if you bought it for me.

-big sigh-

I'm too used to them taking the things and people I care for away from me that it doesn't even matter anymore. I can hardly feel it.

I've got a job interview at JMK Nippon tomorrow. I hate my job at Millward Brown and I'm giving them my 2 weeks notice today. I'm also seeing an army recruiter tomorrow. -sigh- I'm also volunteering at United Way, Red Cross, and Habitat for Humanity. Sure, helping people makes me feel better about myself. But it's occurred to me that I shouldn't have to be too busy to think in order to feel okay.

Candace is busy all the time. I wonder if she's doing this too.





Music to Fit the mood -- THIRD EYE BLIND - Jumper:

I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
The angry boy
a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from
That ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
Can you put the past away?

Unless you're going to pick me up, don't expect to be seeing me any time soon. But to be totally honest, I don't have a whole lot of friends with their own cars, so I don't expect to be going too far.

That's right, my parents had their final straw. They're selling my car. They're also taking my cell phone.

They made me tell Ryan on the phone last night not to call me ever again. It was the last phone call I made on it, and I started sobbing in the middle of it. Timo, I'd really appreciate it if you could do me a favor and tell him that I'm sorry.

Want to know what the final straw was? I told my mom I was going to Magic Waters and that I'd call her when I got there. I forgot to call her. I also gave Maureen a ride and they got pissed about that.

If I move out when I turn 18, my parents aren't going to help me in college. Now I have to decide whether or not I can do it myself, and if I can, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm leaving. But by then, I probably won't have any more friends, at least none that would want to room with me, so I'll probably wind up having to stay here anyways because I won't be able to afford living by myself, no matter how hard I try.

Looks like they won after all.

"I hope you aren't mad at me. We're doing this for your own good," she said. I'm not mad. Really I'm not. In all reality, I don't think I've ever been so fucking tired in my life. But at least I'm not mad. If I were angry, I could see myself leaving -- packing a bag, walking out the front door in the middle of the night while they were sleeping, and just going somewhere, anywhere, causing everyone, including myself, more hurt, more pain, more struggle. But no one's given me a reason to be angry just yet. I suppose they're just wearing me down first. But right now, I'm just too tired to care.



And now, lyrics to fit the mood:


O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,

O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.